Week 7 Story:The Battle With Susa-no-wo
The Battle With Susa-no-wo
Susa-no-wo roared filled the town with dread. The Dragon of the Sea had immerged from his Domain for the first time in over 200 years. When he appeared the Thunder God Raiden began to furiously beat upon his drums as lightning began to strike the ground at our hero Yamatos feet. The sky that was once clear was full of clouds so black they completely blocked the light from the sun. Futen, the Wind God was also watching at this point sending gusts of wind so powerful people's homes in the villages were being ripped from the ground. Susa-no-wo had a head like a camel with horns like a stag over ten feet in length. His eyes looked like glowing coals of fire and his skin was scaled like a crocodile. He brandished a tiger's paw, armed with the talons of a golden eagle. When he opened his mouth steam as if from the hottest geyser came forth burning all who stood close.
Yamato however did not fear having been through a hero journey and almost home to his love knew that he would have to defeat this beast and he would soon be reunited with his true love Tachibana. Susa-no-wo seeing Yamato stand definitely not scared of his might charged at him grabbing Yamato. While in the dragon's talons Yamato began an onslaught as, he thrust, lunged, and slashed his blade at the dragon's underside. It seems though that with every blow the dragon grew stronger and began to constrict Yamato more and more tightly on his talons. As Yamato felt his strength leaving him in a last-ditch attempt to stop Susa-no-wo he hurled his sword in the throat of his attacker. The Sword pierced the dragon and Yamato and the Dragon fell into the sea and neither were ever heard from again.
Auther's Note
This was from the story of the Labors of Yamato at the point where he runs into this dragon in the story he defeats the dragon and after barely winning he gets the girl and while I thought that was cute I wanted this not to be about a love story but more about the two battling equally to the death where there wasn't a winner and a loser but they were equally matched so they both lost.
Romance of Old Japan, Part I: Mythology and Legend by E. W. Champney and F. Champney (1917).
Hi Pierce :)
ReplyDeleteI really like your story. I like how it's short and succinct while still giving your reader enough to actually have a story. (I struggle with length, so seeing yours is an inspiration lol.)
I also really like the picture you have at the end of your story. I would love to see it in the beginning to get an off-the-bat taste of what kind of story it's going to be or where it's going to go.
The only other thing I suggest is breaking up your two big paragraphs into a few smaller ones. This can really help with flow, and it also tends to be a bit easier on the eyes for your reader.
Other than that, I think your story is great! Keep up the good work :)
Hi Pierce, I loved getting to read your story and see how creative you were with retelling this story. I loved the length you made the story and thought that you kept the story interesting for your readers. I think you could maybe use more transitional words throughout your post to break it up a bit but overall I thought you did a great job. I loved reading your story.
ReplyDeleteHey Pierce!
ReplyDeleteThis story is super interesting, and I like that you chose to focus on the battle aspects. The descriptive words you used allow the reader to picture exactly what's happening inside their head! I noticed some grammatical errors, so it might help to proof-read more closely or to run your pieces through a grammar checking system (I use Grammarly, and I love it). Great job!
Hi Pierce,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story, "The Battle With Susa-no-wo." It reminded me a lot of Avatar. I never really was into Avatar, but I am kind of familiar with it from my childhood.
I also like how you tie in the theme of dragons, like from your storybook. I think that relating these stories to your storybook will not only save time but also present new ideas.
Good work!
-Libby
ReplyDeleteHello!
I like your retelling of the story. I can understand why you thought it best to make the story more action-based. Love stories are nice, but sometimes heroes and villains battling it out are more entertaining. I like how they were both equally matched and took each other out. I have a few nit-picky punctuation errors. In the second sentence in the first paragraph, there needs to be a comma after the word appeared. I hope this helps, and I can't wait to see what else you write.